


Make War, Not Love

by xkingevelynx (ebony_dove)



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Anxious Aziraphale (Good Omens), Based on a Tumblr Post, Crack, Enemies With Benefits, Gabriel lost his last braincell in the war, Minor Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Minor Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens), Nonbinary Beelzebub (Good Omens), Not Beta Read, Pre-Almost Apocalypse (Good Omens), Protective Aziraphale (Good Omens), RIP, They/Them Pronouns for Beelzebub (Good Omens)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-24
Updated: 2021-03-24
Packaged: 2021-03-24 15:02:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30074076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ebony_dove/pseuds/xkingevelynx
Summary: loosely based on this tumblr post https://www.tumblr.com/blog/view/musegnome/645306213039505408where Aziraphale and Crowley convince Heaven and hell that kissing is an act of aggression. Things got out of hand and since I am trash for Beelzebub/Gabriel I had to drag them into this...
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Beelzebub & Gabriel (Good Omens), Beelzebub/Gabriel (Good Omens)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





	Make War, Not Love

When Aziraphale arrived at Gabriel`s office the Archangel was already waiting for him. Arms folded neatly over his lap. There was a tight smile upon his lips, but the burning intensity in the Archangel`s narrowed eyes made Aziraphale`s stomach churn unpleasantly. The door had hardly even clicked shut before he was instructed to take a seat. 

Aziraphale had taken the chair across from Gabriel, mentally fighting back the nearly overwhelming urge to flee, while Gabriel allowed the uncomfortable silence to settle between them like a physical weight.

At last, Gabriel leaned back, chair squeaking loudly enough to make the principality wince. ~~~~“Aziraphale, I`m sure you`re wondering why I called you in today.”

A thousand, vastly different scenarios flashed through his mind before he shoved them down, affecting his best look of innocent confusion. 

“I-I`m afraid I don`t. “

“Are you sure?”- Gabriel paused, “Nothing at all that I might find concerning?” He added, fixing the angel with his purple-eyed stare.

Aziraphale nodded a mite too quickly, eyes flickering away from the Archangel. “N-nothing at all,” He stuttered, eyes fluttering away nervously. “everything is perfect, tickety-boo.”

With a resigned sigh, the Archangel nodded his head and began rummaging through the drawer beneath his desk for several moments in which the principality worked to slow his trembling heartbeat. 

The Archangel straightened back up; lips pursed

“then I`m sure you Wouldn’t mind explaining these?” From the desk, he retrieved a sealed envelope and shook out several photographs. 

Aziraphale`s blood ran cold. 

With deliberate purpose, each photograph was set Infront of the principality. The slick thump of each, unbearably loud in the otherwise silent room until five glossy photos stared back at him in an orderly line. 

his stomach plummeted further.

Pictures of him and Crowley, caught up in an intimate moment, their eyes half-closed, bodies pressed flush together as their lips met in a gentle kiss. It was a sight that was never meant for anyone’s eyes but their own. They had been so careful. For 6,000 years he had been so painfully careful, only to stumble at the very end.

Gabriel folded his hands back upon the desk, and Aziraphale couldn`t bring himself to look any higher, to see whatever accusations were written across the Archangel`s face.

The photos sat still, unchanged and Aziraphale knew he had to come up with something. Quickly.

his mouth opened and closed helplessly, desperate to say something, anything that might draw that accusing stare away from him so that he could breathe. His first words were shaky, pulled from his dry throat.

“Ww-well as you can see, I encountered the demon Crowley, My W-Wiley, frie-uh-fiend, the adversary, sent to thwart my angelic duties.”

Gabriel leaned forward impatiently. “Yes, Aziraphale, I know who he is, what I want to know is what you were doing with him?”

The pictures stared back accusingly and Aziraphale felt the tips of his ears redden further. He hoped that Gabriel wouldn`t notice the light sheen of sweat forming on his brow.

“Well, it would appear that we are-uh- kissing?”

“Is that a question?”

“-No, of course not” Aziraphale snapped and then mentally berated himself.

“Do you mind explaining why you were pictured here kissing a demon?”

“W-well you see” Aziraphale stuttered before clearing his throat again, “As you well know, I have been on earth a very long time now, and I have learned many of the human customs so as to better blend in with them…”

Gabriel gave him a dubious look, so Aziraphale rushed to elaborate.

“Humans have many different types of kisses, kisses between strangers as a way to say hello, kisses of greeting between family members, affectionate pecks between friends.”

His cheeks grew a bit warmer, twisting the gold band around his finger nervously.

“-And…lovers.”

Gabriel`s eyes narrowed further in suspicion.

Aziraphale called upon every lesson he had learned during Shakespeare’s early days and did his best to affect a look of deep seriousness. 

“But Of course, there are other types of kisses too. kisses between enemies.”

“Enemies?” Gabriel asked with burgeoning interest.

Aziraphale found himself nodding sagely, even as his fingers crossed behind his back. “Oh yes,” he said, with his very best attempt at a serious tone. “I hear a kiss of betrayal is quite common between adversaries these days as a way to mark one’s enemy.“

He looked back to see Gabriel's lips curved down into a frown, but the faraway look in his eyes suggested that Gabriel was taking his words seriously. 

“I see…so this...this is a thing that humans do?” 

Aziraphale nodded, “Oh yes, all the time” he reassured picking up more steam as his courage resolved. “Cultures all over the world have been doing it for millennium.”

It wasn`t even a lie, not entirely. It was not unheard of for humans who hated each other to get caught up in the heat of their mutual loathing. Sometimes wires got crossed, and well- Sometimes hate is just another form of passion.

Gabriel pulled a face “And so humans what…Just smash their lips against each other?” His disdain was unmistakable. It was a reassuringly familiar expression, and Aziraphale didn`t hesitate to encourage it.

“Oh yes, it`s one of the ways that humans communicate with each other.”

At last, Gabriel nodded slowly. “So, this isn`t about any sort of…” He made a vague gesture. “misplaced affection then, is it?”

Aziraphale jumped to reassure him.“Oh, no, no, no. not at all,”

-“So, what you were doing in these photos was…-“

“Reasserting our positions, he, as my demonic adversary, and I as his Angelic foe.” The archangel considered this, a faraway look in his eyes as he nodded in interest. “So it`s a way of putting them in their place? I like that.”

Aziraphale mentally sagged in relief. “Precisely that.” Gabriel furrowed his brow. “Why is it that you never mentioned this in any of your reports?”

Aziraphale held back a grimace.

“must have slipped my mind”

Gabriel smiled, the most honest one he had seen today. “I can tell that you`re very passionate about this.”

“Oh yes,” Aziraphale said, wringing his hands nervously. “ I have very, -um- passionate feelings on this matter”

“Well,” Gabriel said, pushing away from his desk, Aziraphale stumbled to mirror him. “-Excellent work, as usual, keep up the good fight,” Aziraphale flinched as Gabriel gave an overly enthusiastic clap to his back. “- I`ll be expecting your report on my desk as soon as it`s finished….”, 

“Don`t forget to come back soon for our annual re-watch of the _sound of music_ ”

Aziraphale cringed and continued shuffling towards the door. “Oh, I`m terribly sorry, I`m afraid I`m going to be very busy that week.”

Gabriel`s smile briefly faltered, before it was quickly replaced with another winning smile. “Well, that`s a shame, maybe next time?” 

Aziraphale gave a small, noncommittal smile and a ‘right, of course’ before scurrying for the door.

with an eager click, the door was shut and Gabriel was left alone to contemplate their conversation.

* * *

The prince of hell picked up on the third ring.

“Archangel, Gabriel-.“

“-Did you know that enemies can kiss?” the voice on the other line said without preamble.

There was a marked pause before Beelzebub answered.

“What are you going on about? I was calling to tell you that you gave me the wrong forms at our last meeting, idiot.”

“what? Oh yeah, I have them right here” There was a long moment of silence on Beelzebub`s end while they listened to him gather the correct paperwork. Sharp nails coiling and uncoiling the plastic phone cord around their fingers.

“So what is this I hear about enemies kissing?”

Gabriel brightened; papers momentarily forgotten.

“Our field agent was just telling me about it, It`s one of those new, human customs. They smash their mouths together to show their disdain for each other.” 

The prince stopped their movements to fix the wall with a dubious expression. “I thought kissing wazz only for showing affectionzz?”

“No, not at all,” he said gesturing confidently to no one. “It`s practically an act of war,” 

Beelzebub blinked.

“And you what… you want to do that with me?” 

The archangel scoffed. “Of course, I don`t want to, your very existence disgusts me.” 

“Well Good,” Beelzebub snapped, fingers biting into the cheap plastic handle of the phone. “ -becauze I abzolutely despize you, and I wouldn`t enjoy doing that with you, -at all.” 

“Well of course we wouldn`t enjoy it,” Gabriel added hastily. “that isn`t the point. The point is to assert our power over each other until one of us wins.

Beelzebub let out a long, considering hum. “I supozze that does make sense…”

Tapping the pen against his lips in thought, of what it might be like to feel the heat of their mouth against him, he couldn`t imagine they would be soft or gentle. It would be wild and angry. Like kissing a hurricane. He could almost feel the pressure of phantom teeth grazing his lower lip.

Would their kisses, affect him with the same secret thrill as their buzzing stammer, making his chest feel at once, too hot and too full.

The archangel shook his head and went back to tapping the pen against the desk in restless irritation.

“So, does that mean I can kiss you? since we`re enemies?”

Beelzebub stared down at the blank sheets before them. “As an expression of our utter loathing and hatred for each other?”

Gabriel made an affirmative noise, and they found themself grinning, almost fondly at the idea. Wondering what an angel of the lord might taste like, would his kisses sting? Would his touch burn their skin. Would they want it to? Would it feel like making war with mouths?

A strange, warm feeling began to stir somewhere in the vicinity of their sternum. Beelzebub wondered if it was possible for demons to get indigestion.

“We could make it a game,” Beelzebub spoke out loud, mind still somewhere far away. “whoever loses owes the other a small favor. Nothing that might upset our respective sides, of course, just something between the two of us.”

Gabriel paused, in his clicking. “What would you suggest?”

Beelzebub considered. “If you lose you have to try a sushi”

One of the disadvantages of cellular communication, Beelzebub thought, was not getting to witness the Archangel’s sour expression at the very mention of food. But the gagging sound over the line was a decent substitute.

“I refuse to put that slimy foodstuff anywhere near my person,”

“Not even if I let you choose what I wear to our next quarterly meeting? Providing you win, of course”

Gabriel hesitated at that, gripping the phone a little tighter. “You would wear those fishnets?” 

Beelzebub grinned, their voice taking on a decidedly enticing tone. “I could wear full-body fishnets under my suit.”

He had to bite his knuckles to muffle the sound that escaped his throat. He was thankful they couldn`t see the effect his imaginings were having on him. Shifting in his seat he answered back evenly. “I`ll keep that in mind.”

-

“You know,” The prince began, matter-of-factly. “I saw the most interesting statue in Crowley`s apartment the other day…” 

Gabriel leaned back. ‘Oh Yeah?’ 

“Yep, an angel and a demon, 'wrestling'.” The demon emphasized.

Gabriel made a muffled sound of intrigue over the shifting of papers.

“yes, it looked quite vigorous,” The demon continued, undeterred. “Of course, if we were to engage in something like that, we wouldn`t want our clothes to get ripped, I do know how particular you are about your clothing.” 

Gabriel`s fingers dug into said clothing, imagining the desperate grappling of their fingers against his skin, the blooming bruises that might be left in their wake. sharp blue eyes, fierce and hungry as they dragged him down, down-.

Shaking himself, he murmured affirmation, discreetly adjusting himself.

“Yes, I suppose we would need to take them off,” Beelzebub`s voice continued good-naturedly. “-just to be safe”

“So,” he cleared his throat, hyper-aware of the eagerness bleeding into his voice “When would you like to meet?”

“Hmm,” there was the sound of shuffling papers on the other end. “I believe I have some time available next Saturday?”

 _oh_ \---. Gabriel didn’t realize he`d spoken out loud until he heard the static trill of their laugh in his ear. 

“I didn`t think you`d be so disappointed, Archangel, I suppose I could poszzibly shuffle some things around today, were it for a worthy cause…”

The angel bit back a groan, “Hold on just a moment”

Leaning forward he pressed the intercom button, Shoving the receiver against his coat as the demon snickered, voice warbling across the line.” 

“Michael, please cancel my appointments for the rest of the day, something important just came up.”

Michael's silence was pointed as she updated his new schedule. He almost regretted his impulsiveness. 

Almost.

With a click, Michael’s line was disconnected.

Leaning back, Gabriel retrieved his phone.

“Looks like you’re in luck,” he replied cheerily, “It seems that my appointments have just conveniently been rescheduled for the rest of the day.”

“How convenient,” Beelzebub echoed across the line. “it would seem that I still have a few hours before my next meeting.” 

Gabriel glanced back at the clock on the wall and mouthed a curse, scooping up a file folder from underneath his desk and nearly smacking his head into the wood. 

“So, what do you say, Archangel,” They said, voice melting into something decidedly darker, smoother. A temptation, if he`d ever heard one. "would you like to make war and not peace?"

Gabriel grinned, rolling up his sleeves.

“I thought you`d never ask.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know if you liked it.  
> Kudos and comments make my day and I am anxious <3


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